GameCola: Issue 1-1 Tribute (8-7)

GameCola: Issue 1-1 Tribute
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Table of Contents

I. Introduction
II. NHL Hockey '94 (Super Nintendo)
III. Your Ten Favorite Games
IV. Philly Classic '09 Report
V. Top 10 Games of 1994
VI. Webpage of the Bimonth

I. Introduction - by Paul Franzen

Dear Readers,

No, hang on. I can't say that, can I? Officially, this isn't a "Dear Readers" column at all, since I didn't start calling my monthly intro column "Dear Readers" until January 2003.

Let me start over.

Hi, everyone! (Wow, that doesn't work at all. I'm glad I never called my column "Hi everyone!".) What you have on your hot little monitor is a tribute to GameCola's very first issue, issue 1-1, which was published in April 2002. It featured six articles, five of which were written by me, and one of which was written by my best friend, Matt Gardner, who is still on the GameCola staff today. We put it together when we were in our junior year of high school, when I was more interested in creating a videogame equivalent of my older brother's movie newsletter than in creating the Internet sensation that GameCola is today. We were also attempting to capitalize on our GameFAQs fame—yes, before Matt and I became GameCola legends, we were GameFAQs legends, at least on the Chrono Trigger boards. People there thought we were very funny, because we made fun of them a lot for being stupid. We had a fan club, and people used our quotes as signatures, and everything. You can read more about that in this article from the 2004 January issue, and, if you want absolute proof of our fame, check out this 2002 news article from B-r-a-n-d-o-n.com.

Back then, GameCola existed only in e-mail form; after putting the newsletter together, we pasted it into the body of an e-mail, and sent the whole thing to our mailing list, which consisted of about a dozen friends and family members. Our subscribers all loved it, so we kept doing it, and we're still doing it today, seven years later, when we're both out of high school, out of college, and in the real world. We now also have a few other people helping us.

(Incidentally, our very first subscriber was Jenna Ogilvie, who later went on to write "Advice for the Sensitive Gamer," which was our most popular monthly column Back in the Day. It's also the precursor to Eric Regan's current column, "Captain Eric's Cheat Codes for Life.")

This feature you're reading now will try to recapture the "magic" of the original issue by covering the same material and sporting the same layout. Today, you're going to read about NHL '94 for the Super Nintendo, a GameCola writer's top 10 videogames of all time, the latest Philly Classic videogame convention, the top 10 games of 1994, and the Web site of the "bimonth," just like you did in April of 2002. There will be no screenshots, no graphical logos, and no embedded videos, because that's how we did things back then.

Also, following in the proud GameCola tradition, we're putting all these articles on one page. We can't just end seven years' worth of monthly issues without doing that to you one more time.

Enjoy!

II. NHL Hockey '94 (Super Nintendo) - by Paul Franzen

Genre: Sports
Players: 1-4
Platform: Super Nintendo Entertainment System (SNES)
Rating: N/A
Release: 1993
Publisher: EA Sports

How does one start a review of NHL '94, possibly the greatest videogame ever made? How does one even begin to describe it? How can one possibly put into mere words the impact this game has had, not only on one's life, but on life itself? How can...

...I'm sorry about that. I've been reading a lot of reviews on GameFAQs lately, trying to find ones that are any good so I can steal their writers for the upcoming GameCola relaunch. It seems like every videogame ever made has a review that starts exactly like that, claiming it to be the greatest game on Earth and, in fact, the greatest thing on Earth. Even Quest 64 has one. I believe my original review of NHL '94 may have sounded like that, too, because I was sixteen years old and hadn't yet learned how to write.

Anyway, this game was Kind of a Big Deal to me when I was younger, because it was the only game I could get my two older brothers to play with me. This may have been because it's the only game they could sometimes beat me at. It's also probably because the controls are simple and easy to remember, and the subject is something they're both interested in; so, while they're not huge videogame fans, this was something they could easily pick up and bond over with their kid brother.

In fact, if you read my original review, this is pretty much the reason I gave this game a high score—not because I think everyone/anyone else would enjoy it, but because I personally get a warm feeling whenever I play it because of the times I spent playing it with my older brothers. (I have since changed the way I rate games significantly.) There's a huge age gap between us—my younger older brother is, I believe, 12 years older than me—so it was kind of rare for us to find something we could all do together and have a great time with.

I don't think I've played this game at all since graduating high school and moving out of my parents' house for more-or-less good, though. So I don't really remember many specifics about what makes it the Best Hockey Game Ever. According to my original review, the controls are crisp, the graphics are "bland" (though I scored them an 8/10), the sound is authentic, and the replay value is super high, which makes sense, considering like seven newer versions of the game were available at the time of review, and yet I was still playing this one. I also gave it a high rating for fun, as "the only electronic hockey game that I've enjoyed more than NHL '94 is Wayne Gretzky's 3-D Hockey for the Nintendo 64, and that's only because you can set the net on fire." So that makes sense.

I'm not going to assign this game any review scores, since I haven't played it for like six years, so I'm probably not qualified to do so. I will say that, if you are me, Paul, reading this review, you'll love this game, and you'll feel happy whenever you play it. But if you're anyone who isn't me? If you think today's hockey games are too complicated, you'll probably like this one a lot more; if you're a fan of today's hockey games, though, you probably won't see the appeal, because you probably can't do most of the things you can do in hockey games now.

III. Your Ten Favorite Video Games - by Nathaniel Hoover

Nathaniel Hoover’s Top Ten Favorite Video Games

Honorable Mentions: The Operative: No One Lives Forever (PC); Heroes of Might and Magic III (PC)

10. Donkey Kong Country (SNES): DKC is a true masterpiece. The graphics were astounding when the game was first released, and the ravages of time and technology have done almost nothing to mar the game’s beauty. The soundtrack is outstanding, the controls are perfect, and the gameplay is nothing short of brilliant—some of the finest challenges and most memorable stages in any platformer are contained within this game. And it has monkeys.

9. Super Metroid (SNES): To say Super Metroid is a classic is a grave understatement. From that first pulse of music as you turn on the game to the final triumphant crescendo at the very end of the game, Super Metroid sucks you away from your real life and utterly immerses you in the perilous, heroic, and unnervingly creepy universe of Samus Aran.

There are secrets in every nook and cranny, surprises around every turn, and pulse-pounding battles against incredible bosses. The level of graphical detail is stupendous, and the dynamic, atmospheric music constitutes one of the most important soundtracks in videogame history. Super Metroid set the bar so high, we’re still trying to find it.

8. EarthBound / Super Mario RPG (SNES): Two games occupying one slot. Cheating, you say? Nay, I say. The #8 slot on my list is occupied by “Lighthearted, humorous, and somewhat cartoony SNES RPG that does not take place in a fantasy setting and has NO random battles.” It just so happens that both games fit the bill, and every time I play one, I feel compelled to play the other. They’re quirky, innovative, and focus more on just having fun than grinding for XP, which some people mistake for fun. They’re different on the outside but the same at heart, which is why I can’t for the life of me decide which one I prefer.

7. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (PC): For the longest time, I thought I loved RPGs. After playing a number of more modern RPGs, I came to realize that I didn’t actually love RPGs, just the few RPGs I grew up with, which happened to be among the best ever made. I was spoiled. After playing through a string of RPGs with generic storylines, unappealing characters, unsophisticated battles, little customizability, low replay value, and other assorted problems, I assumed I had already played all the RPGs I’d ever love.

Then I played Knights of the Old Republic.

KotOR renewed my faith in the RPG genre. Plot twists that’ll give you whiplash, characters that are diverse in personality and purpose, complex battles requiring real tactics, total control over the development and advancement of your main character, nonlinear gameplay and countless dialogue options that influence the direction of the game… This game is so much more than a battle system with a plot slapped onto it; KotOR is an honest-to-goodness role-playing game where you are the main character and get to call all the shots.

6. SimCity 2000 / SimCopter (PC): I love to create. For the longest time, I thought I was going to be an architect when I grew up; after playing SimCopter, I wanted to be a helicopter pilot. One of the most satisfying gaming experiences I’ve ever had is nurturing a city from nothing into a bustling metropolis (or assembling a city using the game’s level editor, called the SimCity Urban Renewal Kit), then basking in the beauty of my city from several thousand feet above it, and then blowing the nuclear power plant to smithereens with my Apache helicopter to see the city fall into apocalyptic ruin.

These two games are inseparable in my book, as they form one continuous and very complete gaming experience. Oh, all right; sometimes I don’t blow up my city.

5. Portal (PC): As a perfectionist, I have a knack for finding tiny problems with even the greatest of games.

Portal just might be the most perfect game I’ve ever played.

Portal has a fantastic learning curve, and the uncluttered and minimalistic levels keep the focus on the delightfully brain-wrenching puzzles. The incidental plot that is conveyed through the spot-on and hilarious voice acting is strangely compelling. Some people complain about Portal being too short, but I contend that the player is left wanting more because the game doesn’t overstay its welcome; the game ends just as it is reaching its peak, before the gameplay starts to get stale.

Honestly, it doesn’t bother me that Portal isn’t infinitely replayable; it doesn’t have to be. The joy of Portal is in the surprise and wonder of discovering everything for the first time; it’s a testament to how impressive this game is that it skyrocketed into my Top 5 after just one playthrough. Either that, or the other games I’ve chosen are lame.

4. Crystalis (NES): Crystalis was one of three games that introduced me to the Nintendo Entertainment System (the other two being Gradius and Super Mario Bros.), so nostalgia is a big factor in this game’s placement on the list. My father and I couldn’t figure out how to get past the first boss of the game, so Crystalis went on hold for a while. Game Genie eventually came along, as did a better understanding of what it meant to “level up,” and I ended up being able to beat the game—and I was hooked.

What a brilliant opening to a videogame—just a black screen with these ominous white words: “1997, October 1, The END DAY.” Evidently the world ended back in ’97, but I guess nobody noticed.

Crystalis has it all: swords that launch fireballs and call down lightning, magic spells that can paralyze townsfolk and allow you to fly, a nifty assortment of armor and shields, weird monsters and sinister bosses, a dolphin buddy you can ride across the sea, an interesting plot that never got thick enough to throw off the pace of the game, and a golden tower floating in the sky. Crystalis is not without flaws, but its perfect blend of action/adventure and RPG elements won me over in a way that The Legend of Zelda never could.

Every year on October 1, I dust off my NES and play through Crystalis, or at least put up a Crystalis screenshot as my computer’s desktop wallpaper, to commemorate THE END DAY. Such is my devotion to this game.

3. Star Wars: Dark Forces II: Jedi Knight (PC): Picking out which Force powers you want. Crushing Imperial officers with an avalanche of Force-thrown boxes and crates. Hacking off arms with a lightsaber. Blowing Stormtroopers sky-high with a concussion rifle. Falling from the top of an absurdly tall tower and hearing that satisfying, bone-shattering crunch when you finally hit the bottom. All this, and more.

The graphics may be as outdated as my wardrobe, and the lightsaber physics may be painfully simplistic, but Jedi Knight is still responsible for some of the most fun I’ve ever had in an FPS.

2. Chrono Trigger (SNES): Not that I’ve paid any heed to my verbosity so far, but I’ll try to keep this one short. I’d need way more room than I have here to explain why I believe Chrono Trigger is the greatest RPG of all time, and there would be little point in doing so—if I need to convince you, it means you’ve already made up your mind otherwise, and you’ll probably try to bite me (Final Fantasy fans are like that sometimes).

All I’ll say is that, after all these years, I am still playing Chrono Trigger. (I still take lunch and bathroom breaks, though.) No two playthroughs are ever exactly the same, and the characters resonate with me in a big way. I get tears in my eyes at the end of Super Metroid because I’m overwhelmed by sheer awesome, but I tear up at the end of Chrono Trigger because I’m saying goodbye to the closest things to real friends a videogame has ever offered.

1. Mega Man 4 (NES): You all saw this coming. While Chrono Trigger technically deserves the #1 spot, Mega Man 4 is my favorite game in my favorite videogame series, which is all the momentum it needed to muscle its way into first place. While I easily could have populated this list with more Mega Man games, I’m taking pity on you all and letting Mega Man 4 be the sole representative of my most beloved series.

No pressure, Mega Man 4.

In terms of the game itself, Mega Man 4 introduced ideas that would shape the future of the series, and it captured many of the best parts of the first three games while leaving out virtually all the worst parts. In terms of its impact on me, Mega Man 4 introduced me to the adventures of the Blue Bomber and presented challenges that greatly improved my gaming skills. (Confession: I used to call in family members to watch my health bar so they could notify me when to use an Energy Tank.) The replayability factor and variety of special weapons no doubt influenced what I would look for in a game later on in life.

Mega Man 4 might not be the best game ever made, but it introduced me to a fantastic series, it made an important impact on who I am as a gamer, and I still find it to be fun, even after replaying it almost more times than I've showered in my life.

...Wait, my Top Ten list was supposed to be funny?

IV. Philly Classic '09 Report - by Michael Gray

When I was told to report on the Philly Classic 2009 gaming convention, the first thing I did was make phone calls in the Philadelphia area to ask how much the attendance fee was. It turns out that they stopped having Philly Classics a while ago, but I did get in touch with Hoagie, a musician for the Philadelphia-based band "Hancock's Blanket." He and his friends Bernard and Laverne all have access to a time-traveling toilet called the Chron-O-John, and they were more than happy to let me alter the course of history so I could attend the Philly Classic ‘09.

The Philly Classic was held in a really large building, large enough that you could get lost without a map. So what they did was section off the event into three areas: gaming, competition, and selling. The gaming area was basically an open play area, where you could play any of the games they had available. There were nifty old arcade games, Atari games, NES/SNES, that sort of thing. It was mostly made up of older games for older systems, which was fine by me because the selection was really good. I played through a stage of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II with Paul, and I actually got to play a copy of Fire Emblem Gaiden on the Famicom. It was great.

The competition section had people competing for various prizes. I was hoping it'd be more of an old-school competition, something along the lines of "see who can get the most points in Super Mario Bros. 2," but it was mostly multiplayer on newer games like Super Smash Bros. Brawl and Halo. Kinda lame.

The selling section was, duh, made up of people who were selling games and systems and all sorts of stuff. It was like the ultimate videogame flea market. Score. I picked up an N64 and a copy of Mario Kart 64 for $40 as a gift for my sister (she wants to be able to play Mario Kart in her apartment and I'm sure as heck not giving her my N64). I also spent another $40 to get Diddy Kong Racing, Quake 64, Yoshi's Story and Mega Man 64. And for another $20, I got the Animorphs GBC game, Déjà Vu and a spare copy of Hoops (mine has been making a rattling sound lately).

And while the Philly Classic itself was good, what really made it classic was all the people there. Gamers galore. Just listening to the crazy stuff some of them were saying was worth the admission price. Hell, even seeing what they were wearing was fun in itself. Some people had cool homemade t-shirts, and some went all out with costumes. Paul showed up dressed like Mario. Neal had a Loafy Carl shirt that got a bunch of laughs. Nathaniel Hoover showed up wearing nothing but a pair of Mega Man boxers, until one of the people organizing the event gave him a free T-shirt.

In conclusion, I'd recommend going to the Philly Classic 2009, if you can afford it. There are worse ways to spend your Saturday.

V. The Top 10 Games of 1994 - by Meteo Xavier

America is up to its sphincter in ritualistic era-worship. It is a known fact that four out of every three people not only fully believe in the concept of time, but sell their livelihoods to it in ways that might have been reasonable if they weren’t trying to capture the FEELING of whole decades that had nothing to do with them, or if they did it was to such a little effect that the people couldn't have possibly appreciated that time and place in America, because if they did they wouldn't spend the rest of their lives trying to REcapture it by indulging in the stereotypes of the decade, instead of what it meant in our lives.

Which was nothing.

America worshipped the 60s for a long time…hell, people were worshipping the 60s before 1960. And then in the past few years, the 80s caught back up with a resounding DON'T. YOU...FO'GET ABOUT ME. Now we wear bright pinks and blacks and yellows and neon blues (evidently the universal spectrum hid in retrograde behind Betelgeuse and Saturn and was blocked from producing any other colors during that period), and we wonder where the hell John Hughes went and what the hell happened to John Landis.

But surprisingly, the 90s get no love at all. You don't see a lot of people with dirty flannel wishing they were back in the days when Stone Temple Pilots ruled the airwaves and Twin Peaks was the hottest thing on TV. Hell, even if you found one, you wouldn't know what to call it. Not a Neo-Hippie, but a Neo-… what? I mean, when you're talking about an era that is known only for the Grunge Movement in the starting half and the Internet in the latter half, it’s understandable that there's not much else to refer back to.

But there is. Tucked away in the ever glazing, ever growing folds of fat that is history is a year that even I would go back to. It’s a year that may have defined the videogame culture of today, when the peak of quality finally broke through even standard conventions of entertainment quality. This was the year videogames were starting to be taken really fucking seriously.

So put down your NAFTA signs, turn off the OJ Simpson trial, put up your Schindler's List poster and get ready to indulge with me in the:

TOP TEN GAMES OF 1994!

10. Mega Man X - Super Nintendo

The term "upgrade" doesn't even begin to describe Mega Man's transition from 8- to 16-bit as he x-ploded onto the SNES. Every marketing team in the world, when they deal with a much-loved sensitive element that needs a complete re-tooling to sell again, always tries to infuse the item or character with "attitude," "baditude," and certain obligations involving the word "edginess." And while every attempt to do this ever has failed with great gravity, Mega Man X is the sole exception. The bosses are badder, the levels have more edges, and Mega Man?

He has attitude.

And it’s fueled by guitar music that MIDI should not be able to do, and levels that change and shift as you progress through them. And it’s injected with all the secrets of the ancient Pharaohs. Wow.

The X series went way downhill from here, but this is one of the best Mega Man games ever, and it all happened HERE. In 1994!

9. Battletoads - Arcade

When I was a boy, even back then I was so jaded that NOTHING fazed me that clearly should've. Mortal Kombat II's wild violence didn't bother me. My friend dying in a car crash with his family, I didn't care about. Hell, I was dead for like 60 seconds on a Saturday, and still I was okay.

So when I was set for trauma and nightmares, I wasn't expecting it to come from Battletoads.

The arcade version of Battletoads, when I was 9 years old, in Algona, Iowa...DISTURBED me. I started playing it because I was a fan of the NES game, and it wasn't five seconds before I screamed "Oh shit!" as I watched Pimple DECAPITATE a rat with an anvil fist! His head flew off and there was blood and spine everywhere! Zits turned into a fucking bulldozer and skinned his enemies alive, and then he knocked one down and drilled into his head. A giant snake came down and snapped Rash in two!

I couldn't believe my eyes.

After years of therapy, I started the game up again on MAME, and it was actually pretty good. The action is still Battletoads manic, and the animation and music are at the top of the Battletoads game. It’s also the earliest game I've ever seen where you can grab a boss by the scrotum and whack away with fists that turn into power tools and other heavy machinery.

I'm ending on that sentence.

8. Ghoul Patrol - Super Nintendo

No, I don't give a rat’s ass what anyone thinks; this game was awesome. It’s one of the best birthday presents I ever got, and it’s also the best sequel ever made. It’s the best sequel because it’s so different from the first game, Zombies Ate My Neighbors, that they can be judged independently, but not so different that you can't tell it’s the same series.

Indeed, LucasArts knew what to keep and what to change, developing a game that’s drastically different but never quite feels different.

Yes, there are only like 15 levels, but the levels are bigger and require more out of you.

Yes, all the in-jokes and kitsch of the first title are gone, but the new identity is just fine as it is and, hell, when was the last time you blew up a shark with a homing spirit gun or turned into the Grim Reaper to kill RoboCop?

Yes, Zeke and Julie look tackier than before, but you get more control of them, and, let’s be honest, were they ever hip? No.

Yes, it’s not Zombies Ate My Neighbors, but it is Ghoul Patrol.

And yes, you will be done with this game sooner than ZAMN, but you'll be back for more.

7. Sonic the Hedgehog 3 - Sega Genesis

The lone Genesis entry to this list. I'm sure if I ever actually owned a Genesis I'd list more, but this is the only Genesis title from 1994 that mattered. Sonic the first was awesome but cursed and really lacking something. Sonic 2 opened the door a bit more, but it wasn't until Sonic 3 that we got to see just what this hedgehog is capable of.

If you don't have fond memories of Sonic 3, you truly missed out. This was Sonic at its height before it just got to be too much. All the power-ups and level designs and additional technical madness, plus the best soundtrack that an FM synthesizer like the Genesis model could struggle to produce. The animations are exquisite, the colors immense (for the Genesis) and completely appropriate.

But, as with so many others in life (such as Bruce Lee, Aaliyah, Heath Ledger, Jimi Hendrix, Marilyn Monroe, and American workmanship), Sonic's legacy and potential came to a sudden, abrupt halt. It was tragic. It was legendary. It was well-documented, and many people still wonder...but unlike the other people listed, Sonic didn't get the gift of death; he instead inherited immortality as a has-been and pariah. He is dead in the hearts of many, and every title that’s come since only drives the nail deeper into the coffin...or the stake deeper into the heart, whichever you prefer.

But, and this is like the fifth time I've interrupted the flow of my digression here with that anal word, before all that, there was Sonic the Hedgehog 3.

And you can never take that away from him.

6. The King of Dragons - Super Nintendo

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5. Samurai Shodown II - Neo Geo

SNK has made a lot of games. SNK has made a lot of fighting games. SNK has made a lot of 2D fighting games. SNK has made a lot of 2D fighting games that are very much alike. SNK has made way too many 2D fighting games that are very much alike. SNK has made 2D fighting games in the same structural way of improvement that this paragraph is taking.

I am SNK.

And you can partly attribute that to Samurai Shodown II, the ancient monolith of Neo-Geo fighterdom. The nerdcore Holy Grail of sprites and flash madness. The geeky-cheeky Old Testament to deep and emotionally-driven gameplay. The Shroud of Turin to virgin nondescripts everywhere of flash-quick controls and miracle glue that not only holds it together, but exemplifies it and shines in the darkness like the creation of God himself.

Yes, you atheist Marxists out there jeer at my openly religious hyperbole, but until you witness the Miracle itself, you are as blind as Abraham, which makes my next suggestion to YouTube the game somewhat dubious, BUT DO IT ANYWAY.

Fat-ass Marxist. How dare you question my judgment of Samurai Shodown II! It is the greatest game of SNK's long, questionable, but all the more legendary legacy of 2D fighting game nerdgasms!

(Note: This is easily the worst entry of anything I've ever written.)

4. Bubsy - Super Nintendo

Hey, what happened to my entry for Donkey Kong Country?

3. Super Metroid - Super Nintendo

What kind of gamer would I be if Super Metroid didn't make the list? No one should miss this game for any reason whatsoever. No excuses—mental, emotional, or even physical. This is the sort of shit that would awaken Tommy Walker.

You play Samus Aran…no, sorry, you ARE Samus Aran, in this highly inspired platformer gone celestial. You travel across the planet Zebes, scratching only the surface of the harrowing labyrinth that defies physics, logic, God, and every molecule of control the universe will ever produce. You have to be amazing to get through this clusterfuck of membrane, acid, and science run amuck.

But you are amazing. You are Samus Aran.

And even if you are able to get around, by freezing your enemies, pounding on doors with nuclear weaponry, swinging across pools of spikes on ferromagnetism alone, and crashing through the entire planet as a supersonic warp of light...then you have THEM to deal with: Kraid, Crocomire, Crocomire's skeleton, Draygon, Phantoon, and Ridley...Ridley, Ridley, Ridley.

And then there's the final battle, that incredible final battle with the Mother Brain and the Super Metroid. It’s still playing for many gamers today. Silent prayers from empty hands.

Super Metroid is a game that demands your attention and doesn't fuck around. It’s seven hours of the greatest, smoothest adventure gameplay you will ever find in a Nintendo title.

You are Samus Aran. And Samus Aran you will forever be.

2. Zombies Ate My Neighbors - Super Nintendo

I know this game came out in 1993. So what? I was still playing it in 1994, and it was still the best videogame of all time at that time.

If you really want to know why this game kicked so much ass in 1993 that it was still the second best game in 1994 and beyond, go read my review. I'm not wasting Webtext repeating myself.

1. Final Fantasy VI - Super Nintendo

And while Zombies Ate My Neighbors is the greatest game on Earth, it only got that way because of its CONSISTENCE in excellence. Unfortunately, like a song with a limiter on it, it always finds a place where it goes as high as it can go. It’s a flat line of constant excellence, but it never deviates from that. It’s never revolutionary; it never grabs you by the balls with spurts of quality so good you will devote your life to seeking out more only to find you already had what you were looking for the whole time.

In other words, ZAMN, is never Final Fantasy VI.

I have long established that Final Fantasy IV was my awakening, when my body ceased to be empty and instead became a vessel. It was a religious experience. But only the first. When it happens once, you pass it off as a fluke. A childish passing of phrase...or gas.

And then came FFVI.

It was no fucking fluke. It was REAL. Nothing I write from this point on, as exaggerated as it might be, can possibly capture Final Fantasy VI in 1994. It starts out just fine, but builds, and builds, and builds, and builds until you just can't take it anymore, and that’s just the halfway point, and then it did a 180 that people wrote books about, one you never saw coming in 1994, and then it just builds more and more and more.

Side quest after side quest. Characters you not only loved, but loved you back. And the hidden stuff just went on and on. There are rumors started 15 years ago of secrets that people are STILL searching for.

But somehow, somehow you still haven't seen anything until you get to that last dungeon. Your mind just shat its pons down your spine, and you're gone. FFVI has taken over and your body is back to being empty again.

And that’s STILL nothing compared to the final battle and the ending.

That last 20 minutes of gameplay is how videogames evolved into what they are today. THIS is the missing link! THIS is why games are movie quality and serious business! If it wasn't for Final Fantasy VI and that final battle and ending, gaming would've died in the PlayStation 1 era.

You owe everything you have today to Final Fantasy VI. It is God's love made plastic. It is God's apology for the flood of Genesis, the temptation of Eden, and the creation of Dane Cook all at once, and with this cartridge, God, we forgive you and embrace you again.

Just not while we're playing FFVI.

VI. Webpage of the Bimonth - by Matt "the g50" Gardner

"Rose Camellia"

I really shouldn’t need to type a whole article here, as you can figure out why I chose this by simply going to the site. It is the most self-explanatory best Web site ever of all time. This was brought to my attention by one Captain Eric, and it is possibly even greater than D ragon-Warrior.com, which was featured in this column in issue 1-1, and does have some pretty funny comics.

Since this article should probably be more than one paragraph, I will write at least one more paragraph about the site. Remember that slap fight from Final Fantasy VII? This game is pretty much that combined with Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix Extreme Ultra Edition Mach 4 Level 8 High Exo-Force. Forgive me, as I’m sure I’ve forgotten one or two parts of that name. You play as a bride, and there’s some kind of storyline I immediately skipped, and you go around getting into slap fights with your sisters and some old women. That’s pretty much it.

Damn…this still looks really short. Let me go get a quote from the issue 1-1 column:

“What's that you say? You want to see a mage get stripped naked by a slime? Well, it's your lucky day because Dragon-Warrior.com has that, too! So hurry your dragon hungry self over to Dragon-Warrior.com before it's too late! Too late for what? I guess you'll just have to go there and find out for yourself.”

I’m pretty sure that should be “dragon-hungry” there. This is the horror of GameCola before we had any editors! I know, that quote doesn’t have anything to do with what I’m talking about, but what’s done is done.

Anyway, you should really go to both of those sites. Funny comics and slapping (adjective) women. What more could you ask for?

Enjoy GameCola, homeslice? Be sure and tell your friends and/or anyone whom might be interested all about it!

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